Anxiety is a product of an overactive mind. Social anxiety is just a manifestation or trigger of that anxiety.

This anxiety keeps you withdrawn from the world and places distance between you and everyone that’s important to you. It prevents you from speaking your mind and expressing your truth for fear of reprimand or of being judged.

If you really look at this situation, you’ll see that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. To overcome social anxiety, you need to acknowledge this as fact and allow yourself to step forward through the fear.

The Manifestation of the Web of Anxious Thoughts

To overcome social anxiety, it’s important to understand how it arises.

Your mind has created a web of anxious thoughts and projections of potential (but unlikely) situations. It uses past information (the outcome of similar situations in the past) to predict the outcome of current and future situations. Much like stereotyping, this is built into our systems to some degree as a defence mechanism.

Fear alters otherwise rational predictions and fabricates situations that would hurt you. This stems from previous experiences and trauma that was not dealt with properly and unfortunately, the more you give into these fearful tendencies and thoughts, the stronger they become. Pretty soon, they become self-limiting beliefs and a part of your identity.

One seemingly harmless manifestation of social anxiety is responding to invitations to social engagement with “I’ll try.”

When do you use the “I’ll try” statement?

There are a few cases in which you may use this statement. Let’s look at each in turn.

Case 1) You’ve already decided the answer is no.

A lot of the times, using the “I’ll try” statement comes from an inability to say no to someone. This is a sign of weak boundaries and self-consciousness. You may feel socially pressured to do something, but internally you don’t want to follow through. You don’t know how to say no, or you’re uncomfortable openly saying no because you feel like you have to justify it and you just don’t know how.

‘I prefer to spend time alone.’

‘I’m afraid you’ll judge me for who I am.’

‘I don’t get along with that crowd.’

Truth be told, you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone. Though, if you do decide to, you have no reason to sugarcoat your thoughts or beat around the bush. People honour truth and authenticity. I promise you that this other person will be happier knowing that you don’t want to come because something doesn’t feel aligned, rather than an open ended “I’ll try.”

In this case, the key to overcome social anxiety is just a simple shift in mindset. Flip the situation and put yourself on the receiving end of “I’ll try to make it” from a friend. This will help you see that truly, the invitation is coming from the other person’s desire to spend time with you and for you to enjoy something. There is no malice involved. Looking at it this way will show you that honesty is really the only answer here.

Case 2) You know something is good for you but you’re afraid or apprehensive of putting yourself out there.

In this case, your heart wants to do something but your mind is throwing up a thousand reasons why you shouldn’t. If you really look at the reasons, you’ll see that they are based in fear and anxiety. They have no root other than what your heart wants is different than what you’re used to and therefore scary.

If the idea of getting a coffee with someone makes you nervous but you know that this is a step that you need to take sooner or later, then I recommend taking that step sooner. If not, you will continue to face this anxiety every time someone asks you to spend time with them and it will become harder and harder to overcome.

My advice to overcome social anxiety in this situation is to change the venue to something you’re comfortable with. Maybe a coffee is too direct and too intimate. Maybe you have associated getting a coffee with fear of judgment, uncontrollable anxiety and paralysis because of some previous experience. Without judging yourself, choose a venue and activity that resonates with you more.

Perhaps you’ll be more comfortable browsing shelves at the library, taking a walk in the park, or maybe just sitting outside. Start your social commitment in an environment where you feel at home with yourself and your authentic self. When you feel at home with yourself, before long, you’ll start to feel at home with your company.

From here, you can take your day as it comes. Let the day flow organically rather than trying to plan out every moment and every move. In this way, you’re removing the pressure of performance as well as moving beyond formalities and connecting on a deeper level.

Invite someone into your personal space to overcome social anxiety

Your personal space is as described above: it is the space in which you feel like the most authentic version of you. There are no cold fingers or toes, no racing mind, no cold sweats. In this space, you feel expansive and comfortable.

This space is your escape from the world. You come to this space when you feel overwhelmed and you just want some alone time.

When you’re in this space, everything else falls away and all that’s left is you.

Inviting someone into this space doesn’t have to be an intrusion. It will not diminish the space or make it any less comfortable for you. In fact, in such a cookie-cutter world, seeing someone in their element is refreshing and admirable.

Taking that mental step might not be an easy one, but think about it as an opportunity to share what makes you happy and what’s important to you.

Who knows, maybe this other person needs a place where they can escape as well.

How to overcome the Fear of Judgment

Now, I know there is a part of the mind that is afraid that your company will think you’re weird or you like strange things.

My advice to overcome this, is to just be you.

Know that everyone is always judging and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. As a species, we judge to evaluate if something is safe or not. And judgments change. What you think of someone today may not be what you think of them tomorrow. What someone thinks of you, may not be what they thought of you yesterday or what they will think of you tomorrow.

Limiting yourself based on your idea of how others may perceive you is silly. Not only can you not read minds, basing your decisions on your idea of what others think will keep you dancing on a stage that never goes dark. I can’t imagine anything more tiring than that.

The first time will be scary, yes and the only way to move past this is to just take it one step at a time. Whether or not your space vibes with someone is not a reflection of you. It just means that you haven’t found the right company yet. So don’t be afraid of judgment or failure, know that it is just pointing you in the right direction.

Case 3) You’re putting off the decision until later.

Tell me if this sounds familiar. Someone asks you to do something. It sounds great and you want to follow through but there’s something occupying your attention at the moment.

You say you’ll try to make it and make a mental note to check your schedule, but you never do.

You put it off until the last moment and then can’t be bothered to follow up.

Okay, this one is huge because it deals more with maintaining relationships. To find true connection, it’s not enough to create relationships, you must maintain them as well.

You know deep down that you would enjoy this outing. It is the perfect opportunity to get some air and really change it up a bit. You’ll renew friendships and perhaps make new ones.

Nothing except lethargy and distracted-ness in your mind is preventing you from following through.

To overcome this manifestation of social anxiety, I would recommend getting moving. Get in an invigorating workout. Go for a run. Get the heart pumping.

This lethargy and lack of focus is a byproduct of being stagnant and stationary for too long. The simple fix is to get moving. Once you do this, you’ll be a lot more willing to dress up, go out and treat yourself to a day of rest and relaxation with friends.

To overcome social anxiety you have to put yourself out there over and over again.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, this is true for a physical journey and a journey to overcome social anxiety.

Don’t let your mind paralyze you with what-ifs and other arbitrary thoughts. Stay grounded in what is and keep putting yourself out there. Keep moving through the thoughts, slowly they will give way to your authentic self.

There are so many techniques to manage the mind and emotions. What guided me through my journey with anxiety and an overactive mind was the ancient practice of yoga.

The only thing that you need to do is have the intention to keep moving forward. With this intention, everything else will fall into place.

Next time someone asks you for your time, let the answer be yes.