The search for more is characterized by knowing that you’re searching for something but not knowing who or what you’re searching for.
The search for more follows the realization that everything that you’ve worked for, that you thought would make you happy, has left you feeling just as empty as before.
The search for more is a key part of overcoming self-limiting beliefs and breaking free of the mould of society. This post will explore my experiences with some of the common ways society pursues that fleeting feeling of happiness today.
Beauty 101
“Parm you should get your eyebrows done. And wear prettier clothing. Then you’ll really be a girl and the boys will want to talk to you. Then you’ll be happy and popular like those girls.”
Is that something I want? I looked around at the girls shedding their simple, comfortable t-shirts and running shoes and opting for shoes that left blisters on their toes and behind their ankles. T-shirts were replaced by slinkier, more revealing tops. Slinky tops had a positive correlation with how much attention the girls got from the opposite sex: the slinkier the top, the more attention she got.
They do seem to laugh a lot. Maybe there’s something to this…
Beyond the surface
“She’s the most popular girl in school.”
“Her style is on point.”
“All the boys love her.”
I glanced at the girl in question. Stylish clothing, matching shoes, straightened hair, perfect smile. Her skin and features were hidden behind layers of powders, toners, blush, and liners. That can’t be good for her skin.
I tuned back into the conversation with the girls, the comments had gotten markedly nastier.
All I had noticed was the loneliness in the girl’s eyes.
Practical Career Choices
“What programs are you applying for?”
I wasn’t so sure. I enjoyed everything I was learning. How could I pick just one thing to go forward with? If I enjoy everything, how do I know what’s for me?
“Engineer, doctor, lawyer; my parents said these are the best. They’ll make sure you’re stable and happy in the future.”
Okay, that narrows it down a bit. We made a rocket and launched it once in physics class. I enjoyed that, I guess I’ll just go with engineering.
Beyond the surface
“Parm, did you get all of that? The symptoms, the diagnosis and the treatment I recommended?”
“Yes doc, I wrote it all down.”
I watched the harried doctor I was assisting part-time wince and pull a pillbox out of her pocket. In one smooth movement she emptied a few different pills into her palm and downed them with a gulp of water.
At my questioning look, she responded nonchalantly, “For the pain. And my anxiety,” before rushing out of the treatment room and into the next room to the next patient.
Last weekend, she had gotten into an accident that had totalled her car. She couldn’t rest because there would be no one to run her clinic, no one to take care of her patients.
Happily Ever After
“My stomach does flip flops when we’re together and I get this silly smile on my face. We’re going to live happily ever after, just like in the movies.”
Beyond the Surface
“We broke up again.”
“What happened this time?”
“I don’t know, we just fight all the time. Sometimes, I don’t even know why we’re fighting, but things haven’t been the same since the first time we broke up. Honestly, I don’t even know if I’m in love anymore, I just want things to be the way they were. I want to be happy again.”
“There are so many other people out there. You don’t have to do this to yourself.”
“You mean start all over? We’ve already come this far… We’ll make up, and this time will be different. Maybe getting married and having children will solve our problems.”
Retail Therapy
“I just want nice things,” she sighed and walked over to her closet. Pushing aside bags of unopened purchases, she pulled open her overflowing closet and stared at the mess before her. Her shoulders slumped, “Everything I have is ugly. If I had nice things, I would be happy.”
“Would you be though?”
She laughed and shut the closet door, “Of course. I’d have everything I ever wanted.”
Beyond the Surface
“Parm, I’ve told myself a million times that this is the last time, but I can’t stop. Every time I buy something new, I’m shining and on top of the world, but then it’s gone and I’m back where I started,” she looked at me teary-eyed, “I have so much credit card debt and so much useless stuff. What do I do?”
Dreams of Travel
Ads, images, stories of beautiful places and beautiful people, exotic foods, new experiences. Travel is an opportunity to leave the mundane behind and immerse yourself in a new world.
I smiled to myself, that’s the answer. Sunny beaches, cold drinks, warm ocean breeze, of course all those people in the commercials are glowing. Their lives are perfect.
Beyond the Surface
“Most people only come into this desert for day trips. They’ll come in a certain distance, take their pictures and turn back. No one really comes in this far,” she turned and admired the white sand dunes stretching far into the horizon.
I closed my eyes and smiled, glad that I’d let myself be talked into the 4-day trek through the coastal desert. The space and the silence were truly a gift.
Trailing behind our local guide, we frowned at the first sightings of plastic ropes and bags tangled up in the sand. We filled up our packs with litter, not sure where or when we’d dispose of it. Reaching the top of a particularly large dune, we stared wide-eyed at the scene before us.
Our guide filled the silence, “An ocean current ends here, anything riding that current ends up here as well.” His voice was strained.
A tiny, sun-bleached, wooden hut poked through heaps and heaps of plastic waste. There was plastic waste as far as the eye could see, not a single patch of brilliant white sand was visible under the incredible amount of waste strewn across the desert shore.
“People who live in the desert used to come here to fish. But now there’s so much garbage that the fish don’t come anymore,” clenching his jaw, the guide wordlessly began to descend into the wreckage.
The search for more never ends
The search for more includes an unlimited range of objects and experiences.
In my life, I’ve tried to extract happiness through many venues and my results were always the same: it wasn’t enough. No matter what I received, I still wasn’t happy. I wanted more. More of what you may ask; I wasn’t sure. All I knew was that no matter what I tried, the feeling eluded me.
So the search continued. On and on, until finally I had had enough. I was tired of everything, tired of scouring the world for some nameless, formless holy grail that would solve all my problems. Nothing I tried was working, every time I stepped out of my comfort zone and did something new, I was happy for a bit but then I was back where I started: hands empty, heart searching for more.
So I left the job that sounded perfect on paper and sat with the almost inaudible voice inside. It was drawing me to my yoga mat. It seemed irrational at the time but throughout my search, the one thing that had shown up again and again was my yoga mat. Whether it was in small-town Ontario, the colourful streets of Medellin, or early mornings on the quiet Caribbean coast, I had consistently found peace on my yoga mat.
Without realizing it, this is when my life started to change. The toxic patterns in my life began to wash away like sand on my yoga mat.
The ancient practice of yoga was taking me down the path of spirituality, back home to my Self. It was over, my search for more was finally over. I could finally close my eyes and truly rest.
To this day, this thought still brings tears of relief to my eyes.
My search is over.
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