My First Step into the Unknown; Finding Myself

This blog post talks about the motivation and the moments leading up to my first step into the unknown.

At this point in my spiritual journey, I finally stopped expecting happiness to show up in front of me on a silver platter and took my life into my own hands. The decisions I made in this time became the seeds for the new life I was building for myself.

The decision to break free of society’s mould and leave behind everything I knew was one of the scariest things I’d ever done, and in hindsight, it was also what made all the difference.

My first step into the unknown began with disillusionment.

It wasn’t just clicking purchase for a one-way flight and leaving, it was leaving behind an entire way of life. And it took years for me to arrive at a point where I could no longer compromise with myself.

The disillusionment with society and our way of life began with my first relationship. More precisely: my first breakup.

My first breakup was painfully long and drawn out. Neither one of us wanted to be together anymore, nor did we want to be apart. We had spent almost two years together and it was our own self-limiting beliefs and patterns and inability to face them that made the breakup so messy.

At the time, I didn’t understand why I was suffering and what I had done to deserve what was happening to me. Looking back, I can say without a doubt that the breakup triggered a lot of changes in my life.

First and foremost, I took a job out of the country and though it was driven by desperation, sadness and heartbreak, it was by no means defined by it. I got a taste of travel, a government job with a fancy title, an opportunity to work with cutting-edge science, a chance to network with big names in the industry and most importantly: the opportunity to meet myself.

The emphasis in my life was shifting away from my relationship onto other things. I was learning that there was so much more to life, so many more dimensions that I hadn’t even been aware of.

The goals of my search for fulfillment and more in life began shifting and I began developing other facets of myself. I pursued happiness through academia, travel, family, and networking among other things.

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A little over two years later, I was graduating university with my degree. I had relocated several times to several different cities, worked on a wide array of research projects and got to know people from many different walks of life.

At the end, all I felt was tired.

Everyone around me was hustling to put together their next step.

Interviews were being scheduled between classes and exams, grad schools weighed against each other, grant proposals written and contracts signed.

I seemed to be the only one who just wanted a break. I had spent the past 23 years of my life doing everything that media, society and my elders had told me would make me happy, but all I felt was empty and drained. All I had done was give and give and give and the promised happiness had never come.

What more did I have to give? How much more could I give? I had given my time, my energy, my heart, my money, my values… everything. I had tried to exchange everything I had for that fabled feeling of happiness and all I had to show for it was bone-deep fatigue.

I was starting to doubt that lasting happiness even existed.

All the routes that were presented to me just wanted more. More money, more commitment, more passion, more energy, more love, more time… more of me.

I didn’t have any more to give.

So I left.

I left my world behind and followed in the footsteps of a fast friend from Montreal. I bought a 50 L backpacking bag, purchased a flight to Lima, Peru and took my first step into the unknown.