“What happened Parm?! You looked absolutely terrified.“
The question was met with a blank stare. Inside I was churning, and outside I was frozen. What had just happened? I wasn’t so sure.
This post is about fear, guilt, self-doubt and the emotions that pedal the wheels of self-limiting beliefs.
In my life, I’m aware of this feeling being triggered in a few different scenarios.
In an early job interview, I froze when I was asked, “So how much do you think you’re worth?”
Inside, I was frantically searching for an answer. Should my worth be taking into account that this company is a penniless new start-up or just the grueling years of study I’d endured and how much money I need to live comfortably? And for that matter, how much do I think I’m worth? If the number is too high, I’ll sound selfish and full of myself. If the number is too low, I’ll be a doormat. What is the right answer?
By then, it was too late. Any leg up I might’ve had in salary negotiations had disappeared in a knowing gleam in the interviewer’s eyes.
Stages of Self-limiting Beliefs
Self-limiting beliefs begin with any situation or circumstance you may find yourself in. A comment or visual stimuli will trigger a feeling of fear, insecurity, guilt or regret that you’ve been harbouring under the radar. While the situation may be completely new, the feelings it brings up are all too familiar. More often than not, you’ll go into cruise mode and respond the way you always do.
Your subsequent response will also follow a familiar pattern. You’ll cringe, your day will continue and your mind will remain on the event. You likely won’t dive into the emotions bubbling up deep within, you’ll stay on the surface and focus on the event. You will berate yourself for making the same mistake again and think about what you could’ve done better and what you should’ve said instead. Eventually, you will distract yourself from the hurt part of you deep inside and move on with your day and your life.
Let’s put this into context.
Let’s take another look at my interview story:
My interview was flowing normally, a pleasant conversation between two adults. Then, the topic of salary and self-worth came up and a part of me seized up, making one of my innermost battles public to someone who was in a position to take advantage of it.
After the interview, I continued focusing on the event rather than the screaming wounds inside. My thoughts flowed along these lines: I should’ve prepared more, this is such a common blunder, I should’ve known better. Eventually, I accepted the oversight, let it go and never gave a second thought to the pain caused by the self-limiting belief inside.
In my post-analysis, I completely missed the point.
I had chalked up the fear I felt to a lack of preparation rather than recognizing that it stemmed from a deep-rooted insecurity; I didn’t feel good enough. I was afraid to ask because I was afraid of the answer.
I was afraid that in some way or another my fears would be reaffirmed and I would have not just myself, but also the people around me telling me that I wasn’t good enough.
Looking back, I can confidently say that I avoided researching and becoming comfortable with the topic because I was afraid to address my inner lack of self-confidence.
How do you face such a lack?
Running from your self-limiting beliefs will certainly not make them go away.
In fact, you will be faced with situations that bring up the same emotions over and over until you go inwards, heal your emotional wounds and learn the lessons they have for you.
Your self-limiting beliefs will continue to bring you misery until you break free from them.
The first situation I mentioned (the opening line of this article), happened years before that particular job interview but it had evoked a similar response. A comment was made and though I had watched my colleague’s face morph from friendly to leering – let’s call this version of him Vulture – what I hadn’t connected, was that I played a major role in that transformation.
“In that moment, you looked absolutely terrified.”
Eventually, I shared what had happened with a friend and he broke it down for me. My colleague had made a comment, and in response, my face had morphed into a mask of horror. My colleague quickly put together that that topic was a trigger for me and because it brought about such a response, any mention of it would place the ball in his court. He thus became Vulture.
The key is very subtle here, while I was under the impression that he had the upper hand, in reality, it was me who was giving him the upper hand. He was just taking it and running with it.
My friend pointed out that I was digging myself into a hole. Until I moved through the self-limiting belief that was showing up ad faced the situation and pulled myself out of the hole, Vulture would keep pecking away. Sure enough, my next interaction with my colleague was coloured the same way. This time, I kept my gaze steady, hoping the inner quiver didn’t show. Like magic, before my eyes, Vulture took a back seat to my friendly colleague and it was over.
In both examples, my own self-limiting beliefs were giving my power away.
Now, this is no reason to blame yourself.
There are many external factors and societal processes that create self-limiting beliefs, promote meekness and reward blind faith and obedience.
When adults are treated like children and subsequently behave as children, they are infantilized and the behavior becomes deeply programmed into them. An illustrative example of the psychology of priming can be found here.
To some degree, this mould is built into society.
Transitioning from a student operating under the umbrella of an educational institution to an independent professional, brings you face to face with the in-built hierarchy in society. When you were a child, your parents and teachers had authority. They knew what was better for you and through necessity, you had to bend to their will. Later in life, professors and educational institutions leverage your degree to gain authority. In the workplace, employers, managers, and supervisors leverage your salary and job security to claim the upper hand.
You are never given the opportunity to take control of your life. Granted, you can take control at any point, but there’s always external pressure keeping you in the general mould and path of an individual in society: go to school, get a post-secondary education, get a job, get married, have kids, period.
At any given point in your life, there is a perceived authority and/or necessity that keeps you stuck in the mainstream flow of life. This makes it more difficult for you to undertake the spiritual awakening journey of breaking free of the mould and going against the grain.
Move past the Perception of Authority
At this point, you might start to blame authority for robbing you of your dreams in life and use it as an excuse to reaffirm your self-limiting beliefs and stay in your comfort zone.
In reality, authority shouldn’t be perceived as a bad thing.
People who have authority shoulder great responsibility. It is the perceived separation between you and them that limits you. Moving past the labels of mother, father, boss, judge, police officer, etc. and all the associated emotions and perceptions you have of these figures in your world, will bring you balance and help you overcome any self-limiting beliefs you may have related to these roles.
Let’s do a thought experiment.
Think about your profession and your title.
Whether you’re a doctor, lawyer, engineer, or anything else, bring that title to the top of your mind.
Now, think about you. Consider your age and all the different aspects of your life: your strengths and weaknesses, your family, your friends, your social circles, all of it.
Now, take your mind deeper to who you are: your likes, dislikes, what makes you happy and what makes you sad. Think about the happiest moments of your life and your lowest moments, your struggles and your victories.
With all of these things in your life, are you your profession?
No.
You’re more than that.
-Similarly, the authority figure in your life is more than their profession. They have all the same intricacies to their lives that you do. They, too, must be more than the labels you’ve given them.
Move past your self-limiting beliefs and take back your power.
When you label someone as playing a certain role in your life, you automatically put yourself into the complementary role. For example, if someone in your life is your mother, you are their son or daughter. If someone is your boss, you are their employee.
If thinking about filling that role leaves you full of negative thoughts, grumbling and unhappy, you likely have a set of self-limiting beliefs around that role.
Place a toe on the other side of the line you’ve drawn between you and the other. Get to know the person beyond the role they play in your life.
When you can accept that everyone is just playing a role and doing their best, you’ll be able to identify and work with the emotions that that person in that particular role may bring up.
In this process, remember to be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself and others for any mistakes made out of ignorance. Embrace yourself with all your positives and your negatives. Know that everything is happening exactly as it should and that you are exactly where you’re supposed to be.
Nobody is perfect, we’re all just doing the best we can.
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